Stolen from one of my favorite websites : http://coffeeklatch.pfitzinger.net/2010/08/17/pfunny-signs/.
Spotted in a toilet of a London (UK) office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING – BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN’T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR
Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR – THE BELL DOESN’T WORK)
Showing posts with label contrarian joke. Show all posts
Showing posts with label contrarian joke. Show all posts
Gent
Voor hen die het zouden vergeten zijn : het centrum van Gent wordt een rampgebied tot en met maandag 26 juli. Enorme lawaaioverlast, aggressieve dronkelingen en de stank van urine, hamburgers en andere vettige vuiligheid.
Mij zien ze er in geen geval. Prettige feestdagen !
Mij zien ze er in geen geval. Prettige feestdagen !
Found on Coffeeklatch
-- Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
-- Being happy doesn’t mean everything’s perfect; it just means you’ve decided to see beyond the imperfections.
-- Being happy doesn’t mean everything’s perfect; it just means you’ve decided to see beyond the imperfections.
Conversation with God
Man: God?
God: Yes?
Man: Can I ask you something?
God: Of course!
Man: What is for you a million of years?
God: A second.
Man: And a million dollars?
God: A penny.
Man: God, Can you give me a penny?
God: Wait a second.
Hattip to Carlo.
God: Yes?
Man: Can I ask you something?
God: Of course!
Man: What is for you a million of years?
God: A second.
Man: And a million dollars?
God: A penny.
Man: God, Can you give me a penny?
God: Wait a second.
Hattip to Carlo.
Modern Jesuits
A Greek Orthodox, and Evangelical, and a Jesuit are doing an archeological dig in Jerusalem. They come across a Tomb that says, in Latin, Greek, and Hebrew, "Here lies Jesus of Nazareth, who claimed he was King of the Jews, and was executed at Passover under Pontius Pilate".
Excited by the find, they open the tomb, only to be horrified to find a crucified body.
"Oh my goodness," says the Orthodox. "The Church and all the good it does is based on a false event."
"Oh my goodness," says the Evangelical. "The Bible, which has guided by entire life, is nothing but a lie."
"Oh my goodness," says the Jesuit. "There really was a Jesus."
Lifted off : http://jesuithumor.blogspot.com/.
Excited by the find, they open the tomb, only to be horrified to find a crucified body.
"Oh my goodness," says the Orthodox. "The Church and all the good it does is based on a false event."
"Oh my goodness," says the Evangelical. "The Bible, which has guided by entire life, is nothing but a lie."
"Oh my goodness," says the Jesuit. "There really was a Jesus."
Lifted off : http://jesuithumor.blogspot.com/.
Shoot !
An old one but I still like it. Found on "Random thoughts of a random man".
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps, "My friend has collapsed - I think he's dead! What can I do?".
The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps, "My friend has collapsed - I think he's dead! What can I do?".
The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
Halloween
I swore to myself that I wouldn't mention Halloween, but these are too good to miss I think.
-- What do you call someone who puts poison in a person’s corn flakes?
A cereal killer…
-- Why don’t skeletons ever go out on the town?
Because they don’t have any body to go out with…
Much more and even better ones on : http://coffeeklatch.pfitzinger.net/2009/10/29/halloween-pfunnies-groaner-alert/.
-- What do you call someone who puts poison in a person’s corn flakes?
A cereal killer…
-- Why don’t skeletons ever go out on the town?
Because they don’t have any body to go out with…
Much more and even better ones on : http://coffeeklatch.pfitzinger.net/2009/10/29/halloween-pfunnies-groaner-alert/.
Idiots
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for “minimal lettuce.” He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
IDIOTS AT THE AIRPORT
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, “Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?” I said, “If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?” He smiled and nodded knowingly, “That’s why we ask.”
IDIOTS ON THE ROAD
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually-challenged coworker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, “What on earth are blind people doing driving?”
IDIOTS IN MANAGEMENT
At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to “downsizing,” our manager spoke up and said, “This is fun. We should have lunch like this more often.” Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.
Extracts from Coffeeklatch.
Microsoft
Dear Abby: Should I Be Honest?
I am facing a very serious problem. You see, I am a Vietnam-era deserter from the U. S. Marines, and I have a cousin who works for Microsoft.
My mother peddles Nazi literature to Girl Scouts and my father (a former dentist) is in jail for 30 years for molesting most of his patients while they were under anesthesia.
The sole supports of our large family, including myself and my $500-a-week heroin habit, are my uncle (master pick-pocket Benny “The Fingers”), my 70-year-old aunt Hester (a shoplifter), and my two kid sisters, who are well-known streetwalkers.
My problem is this: I have just gotten engaged to the most beautiful, sweetest girl in the world. She is just sweet sixteen, and we are going to marry as soon as she can escape from reform school.
To support ourselves, we are going to move to Mexico and start a fake Aztec souvenir factory staffed by child labor. We look forward to bringing our kids into the family business.
But I am worried that my family will not make a good impression on hers. In your opinion, Should I, or shouldn’t I, tell her about my cousin who works for Microsoft?
Stolen from Coffee Klatsch.
I am facing a very serious problem. You see, I am a Vietnam-era deserter from the U. S. Marines, and I have a cousin who works for Microsoft.
My mother peddles Nazi literature to Girl Scouts and my father (a former dentist) is in jail for 30 years for molesting most of his patients while they were under anesthesia.
The sole supports of our large family, including myself and my $500-a-week heroin habit, are my uncle (master pick-pocket Benny “The Fingers”), my 70-year-old aunt Hester (a shoplifter), and my two kid sisters, who are well-known streetwalkers.
My problem is this: I have just gotten engaged to the most beautiful, sweetest girl in the world. She is just sweet sixteen, and we are going to marry as soon as she can escape from reform school.
To support ourselves, we are going to move to Mexico and start a fake Aztec souvenir factory staffed by child labor. We look forward to bringing our kids into the family business.
But I am worried that my family will not make a good impression on hers. In your opinion, Should I, or shouldn’t I, tell her about my cousin who works for Microsoft?
Stolen from Coffee Klatsch.
Imago
Ik lees nog maar eens dat het beeld dat jongeren, en zelfs jonge kinderen, van bejaarden hebben niet altijd even positief is.
Ik kan hen bij dezen verzekeren dat het gevoel volledig wederzijds is en dat het beeld dat bejaarden van jongeren hebben dikwijls ook verre van positief is.
Ik kan hen bij dezen verzekeren dat het gevoel volledig wederzijds is en dat het beeld dat bejaarden van jongeren hebben dikwijls ook verre van positief is.
Remmen
Nog uit de krant van gisteren : "Tom Boonen trekt de remmen dicht". Een nieuwe - en relatief goed betaalde - specialiteit van onze super-kampioen.
Meeting the parents
From Coffee Klatch. Too good to miss :
A young woman brought her fiancé home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother told her father to find out about the young man. The father invited the fiancé to his study for a talk.
“So what are your plans?” the father asked the young man.
“I am a biblical scholar,” he replied.
“A Biblical scholar. Hmmm,” the father said. “Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in?”
“I will study,” the young man replied, “and God will provide for us.”
“And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?” asked the father. “I will concentrate on my studies,” the young man replied, “God will provide for us.”
“And children?” asked the father. “How will you support children?”
“Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replied the fiancé.
The conversation proceeded like this, and each time the father questioned, the young idealist insisted that God would provide.
Later, the mother asked, “How did it go, Honey?”
The father answered, “He has no job and no plans, and he thinks I’m God.”
A young woman brought her fiancé home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother told her father to find out about the young man. The father invited the fiancé to his study for a talk.
“So what are your plans?” the father asked the young man.
“I am a biblical scholar,” he replied.
“A Biblical scholar. Hmmm,” the father said. “Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in?”
“I will study,” the young man replied, “and God will provide for us.”
“And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?” asked the father. “I will concentrate on my studies,” the young man replied, “God will provide for us.”
“And children?” asked the father. “How will you support children?”
“Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replied the fiancé.
The conversation proceeded like this, and each time the father questioned, the young idealist insisted that God would provide.
Later, the mother asked, “How did it go, Honey?”
The father answered, “He has no job and no plans, and he thinks I’m God.”
Bladvulling (2)
Ik kan wel bezig blijven, maar ik wil jullie toch niet onthouden dat er in october, voor het eerst in achtien jaar, geen miss Belgian beauty zal verkozen worden.
Wat een ramp ! Hoe gaan we dat ooit overleven ?
Wat een ramp ! Hoe gaan we dat ooit overleven ?
Kemels
Mijn krant bericht dat antilichamen van kamelen mogelijk bruikbaar zijn in de mens.
Lees : http://www.standaard.be/Artikel/Detail.aspx?artikelId=DMF20090727_024.
Waarom ben ik niet verwonderd ?
Lees : http://www.standaard.be/Artikel/Detail.aspx?artikelId=DMF20090727_024.
Waarom ben ik niet verwonderd ?
Exercising
-- It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
-- The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
More on : http://coffeeklatch.pfitzinger.net/2009/07/23/exercise-insights/.
-- The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
More on : http://coffeeklatch.pfitzinger.net/2009/07/23/exercise-insights/.
Bidden
I'm not really an Obama fan, but I pray that he may survive his presidency unharmed and unhurt, because, in my view his second in command, mister vice president Biden, is a potential catastrophy waiting to happen. That guy might actually be worse that Dubya ...
Add a "d" to Biden's name, and you have the Flemish word for praying : bidden. That's what I'm doing, not for him really, but for his boss.
What is wrong with the selection of America's vice presidents ? Quayle, Gore, Cheney, Biden ... one might actually start to think that the bosses do not want a potential top dog at their side.
Add a "d" to Biden's name, and you have the Flemish word for praying : bidden. That's what I'm doing, not for him really, but for his boss.
What is wrong with the selection of America's vice presidents ? Quayle, Gore, Cheney, Biden ... one might actually start to think that the bosses do not want a potential top dog at their side.
Asshole management
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
'I should be in charge,' said the brain, 'because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen'.
'I should be in charge,' said the blood, 'because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away.'
'I should be in charge,' said the stomach, 'because I process food and give all of you energy.'
'I should be in charge,' said the legs, 'because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.'
'I should be in charge,' said the eyes, 'because I allow the body to see where it goes.'
'I should be in charge,' said the rectum, 'because I'm responsible for waste removal.'
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The morale of the story ? The ass hole is usually the one in charge !
Found on : http://revjph.blogspot.com/2009/07/dont-blame-me-blame-woman-who-works-for.html.
'I should be in charge,' said the brain, 'because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen'.
'I should be in charge,' said the blood, 'because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away.'
'I should be in charge,' said the stomach, 'because I process food and give all of you energy.'
'I should be in charge,' said the legs, 'because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.'
'I should be in charge,' said the eyes, 'because I allow the body to see where it goes.'
'I should be in charge,' said the rectum, 'because I'm responsible for waste removal.'
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The morale of the story ? The ass hole is usually the one in charge !
Found on : http://revjph.blogspot.com/2009/07/dont-blame-me-blame-woman-who-works-for.html.
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